Thursday, July 14, 2011

Letting Off Steam

Sometimes I get depressed and feel like I am alone in the world. I get mad at everybody and everything and become anti-social. I want to scream because I am so upset and angry. I started getting really depressed and upset when Colt was driving my car to Dalton State College and he wrecked my car. He called me to tell me about the wreck but I couldn't even go to check on him because I didn't have a car. I called my parents who lived about five miles away and asked them to go see if they could help Colt. He had wrecked in front of Valley Point School. They did the things I would have done if I had been able to get there, only they told the tow truck driver to take my car to their house and leave it. That ended up opening a whole can of worms because we had to tow it to our house to work on it. The tow truck company charged an outrageous price and I got so mad I was ready to cuss them out but Momma and Daddy diverted me and kept me from going off on them. I went for months and months without my car. That is when I started getting worse and worse. I would become so enraged because I didn't have my car that I would start screaming at everyone.

Donny and Scout and Colt had to repair my car. We bought the front end of another car and they cut it off and replaced the front of my car. It took them a long time to get it fixed. I didn't have it back very long before Scout's truck started messing up and he would borrow my car. He would work on his truck but something else would mess up and he would have to borrow my car again. This went on for a long time. In the mean time I kept getting more and more anti-social. I stayed mad at everyone because they could go anywhere they wanted to go and do anything they wanted to do any time they wanted to but I had to wait until someone came home and took me some place or lent me their vehicle to go shopping or pay my bills.

I suppose my anti-social behavior drove my friends away because I lost contact with my friends. My circle of confidants shrunk down to a very small few. I eventually broke contact with the small amount of friends I kept in contact with when I became paranoid and began to believe that they were talking about me and spreading gossip about me to their friends. I eventually found myself only close to my own poor, put upon sons. I would bitch and gripe and unload on them. They didn't care about my harangues against people and humanity but they were used to me and knew I was just venting my frustration and rage.

During the time I was unable to go any place or do anything I wanted to do I learned that I could keep things in order if I paid my bills by mail and planned out my shopping trips so that I could get everything done when I did get to go somewhere. I didn't get to go anyplace every week so I made sure everything was caught up and we had plenty of groceries. I learned that I didn't have to go everywhere every time I wanted to and I guess that was good. It was just very inconvenient and annoying.

I haven't been driving my car very long but now I don't even want to go anywhere. I stay at home and prefer to stay to myself. I don't have any close friends and I certainly don't want to make any new friends. Every time I have tried to be friends with someone they eventually disappear and I usually don't know why. I guess it could be because I say what I think and don't like listening to bullshit. I don't feel sorry for stupid people and don't put up with fools, gladly. I'm as likely to tell you that you are full of shit as I am to tell you how smart you are. I have put up with too much crap in life to put up with it when I don't have to. I guess I should listen to my elders and remember that if I don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all, but I'm just not cut out like that.

I got on Facebook and made friends with cousins and relatives and people from school. I made some new friends, too. I thought I was developing social skills and learning to interact with other people again. I was having fun with my Facebook 'friends' although I knew they weren't really my friends. How can you be? You don't know me? You don't even care about me? You have no idea who I am. Anyway, I had a couple of people who had befriended me drop off my friends list. I don't know what I did to cause them to unfriend me but I do know that they had befriended me and not the other way around. That annoyed me but I was used to it by now. I would just shake my head and wonder what  their problem was. I'm thinking about deleting everyone but the people who comment or interact with me on Facebook. I don't want people just sitting around laughing at my posts and never responding. I joined Facebook to try to improve my social skills and help me regain my footing again but I still feel like an outsider looking in.

I've always felt like a loner. I was an 'only child' and didn't have anyone close to share my life with. My father's family broke up when my cousin died and have never been close again. The rift is too great to repair. If it wasn't for my cousin, Debbie, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. We were always close and she loves me unconditionally.

My mother's family is very close and they have always had a strong bond. Their love and fidelity is obvious. I love my aunts with all my heart. They have all been through the ringer and come out stronger and better for it. Any time I am in their presence I feel safe and loved. We only had one misunderstanding in which one of my aunts got upset with me and we got into an argument. Considering the fact that she was going through a painful divorce and possibly menopause, I can understand. It didn't help that her sorry ass husband had a girlfriend with the same name as me. I guess she was taking her frustration out on me.

Both of my sons are grown and living their own lives now. Scout moved out recently and Colt comes home between semesters and for summer break until he has to go back to the University. Donny has learned to ignore me and sits in his favorite chair watching TV when he gets home from work. I sit on the computer all day.

If I seem angry and anti-social, that's because I am. I am angry because I don't know how to fix my life and I am anti-social because society sucks. Either you belong with the majority or you don't. Obviously, I don't. The only thing that makes me feel better is when I think about people whose lives are worse off than mine is and I realize how much worse my life could be. 

I got upset recently when I saw something on Facebook and told someone what had been posted. We were both 'friends' with the same person so he would have seen it anyway. His friend had posted something that I considered derogatory. I know it is not my place to interfere but I can't help myself sometimes. He talked to his friend and told her what I had said. She got mad and deleted us both. I got mad and depressed because I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I was only wanting to warn him so he wouldn't get hurt. I guess I still don't have any social skills, do I, but what would you do?

I have these bouts of depression but they blow over with time and then I am my happy, cheerful self again. I become pleasant and friendly and actually likable. I stop licking my wounds and focus on the good things in life. I think I can feel it coming on. I'm waiting . . . 

If you are a reader from Facebook how about leaving a line to let me know that you are reading this and want to stay on my mailing list. If you don't want to read any more of my rants you can skip them. And if you don't want to be my friend on Facebook, do me a favor and delete me. I may quit sharing Resaca Rose because there are only about seven or eight people that read it anyway. I know who reads and comments on my blog, and for that, I thank you.

As Always

original 07042011, 7:04 pm
edit 07142016, 8:55 pm


  1. Pam,
    I have read everything you post on Resaca Rose. I look forward to the new and it is a pleasure when you write them close together. A real treat. You are so good at writing and should be very proud of yourself as I am of you! I don't always write but always have you in my heart. Love you forever, Donna

  2. Thank you so much for your sweet words Donna. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I think about you and Gary and pray for you both. I have no right to be whining when I know how much you're going through. I love you and think about you too.

  3. I read all your blogs and I'm sorry you're depressed sometimes. I feel the same way but you know, I am out in the world all day and I'm still antisocial. I would love to be sitting at home and I'd trade your son for some alone time sometimes (without baby, dog, Scout). Just know that we love you unconditionally and our front door is always open to you, don't even have to call. I would come by more too but I'm sure you know my schedule and all the time I drive a day. Just want you to know you're loved. Come over more and hang out with Layla, then you can take her home with you for however long you want. LoL This Mommy won't mind.

  4. Hi Pam, I always read your posts and blog. I feel like you do at times. I know we are like minds and would love to be close enough to go have lunch or a coffee. Stay strong ,my friend..
    Love, Leah


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