Friday, January 21, 2011

No Smoking Please

I was sixteen years old when I met a boy named Cecil while I was riding around with some friends in downtown Dalton years ago. He liked all of us girls but he asked me out for a date. To be honest, he wasn't that good looking or anything to brag about but I was just thrilled to be going out on a  real date with a boy.

On the day of my date my father made me mow my grandparent's yard. I didn't really mind because I used the riding mower but I was in no mood to be sweating and waiting until the last minute to get ready for my date.

Everything was going okay until I ran out of gas for the lawnmower. I looked for some gas and asked Daddy where some was. He pointed to the car and said, "Right there."

He usually siphoned the gas out for me but this time he made me do it myself. He told me to blow real hard into the hose in the gas tank and then to suck the gas up the hose. Well, I messed up and had to try again. I really sucked hard the next time and didn't let up until a blast of gas filled my mouth and caused me to choke and swallow some of it. I started gagging and spitting but I couldn't get the awful taste of gasoline out of my mouth. My eyes were watering and I wanted to throw up.

I went into my grandmother's house and told her what I had done. She decided to medicate me with Haley's MO. I asked if that would help and she said, "yes" so I took a big swig of it, and then another just for good measure. Being young and dumb I had no idea what to expect and didn't read the label. Haley's MO soothes an upset stomach but it's also a laxative.

I went back outside and finished mowing the lawn. In my mind I was blaming my daddy for not siphoning the gas for me in the first place. As soon as I was finished, I went home to get ready for my date.

I felt my stomach lurching and I was queasy but I was determined to go through with the date. I put on my makeup and applied some mascara, and was soon ready for my date to arrive.

He picked me up in his mother's shiney old-lady car. He didn't take me anywhere and show me a good time. We just rode around town. We rode by the Dalton Recreation Center where someone famous was supposed to be playing but we didn't have tickets to the performance so we didn't go inside. It was a very dull date except for the fact that by then the gasoline and the Haley's MO were about to catch up with me.

I kept my face turned away from my date because I was feeling sick. I started belching these awful belches which reeked of gasoline. Every time I belched the gas caused my eyes to water. The stench of the gasoline was overpowering. My mascara started to run and I couldn't help crying because the fumes were so bad. By about this time the Haley's Mo started to kick in. Actually it felt like it was trying to kick its way out of my intestines. My gut was growling and I crossed my legs to keep from getting the squirts. I was dying!

I sat on my side of the car leaning on the passenger door. My mascara was running down my face like a loose woman at a prayer meeting. I was coming apart at the seams. I was finally able to go home and get away from him but I was too embarrassed to tell him about the gas siphoning incident. Needless to say, we didn't date any more after that. I'm just glad he didn't smoke.

Do you remember your most embarrassing date? I'll never forget mine. That was the date from hell.


  1. I am still laughing. You are so funny and have so many funny stories. Keep em coming...but don't light a match.


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