Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Fricking Christmas

Guess what. I'm celebrating Christmas the only way I know how. I'm celebrating it alone on this quiet Christmas evening. It's been a long year and a lot has been going on. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but it's been a long year anyway.

Me and the family celebrated in separate locations this year. That seems most appropriate, considering. I don't care really. At least we're all alive and healthy. That's a good thing. We're not all together and that's a bad thing. Maybe next year will be different. I don't know. I don't know anything any more. I used to think I knew everything. Now I don't know anything any more. Boy, time has a way of smacking you down. Doesn't it? 

The rain has  been pouring down and I'm in the middle of a flood zone. It looks like we're about to wash away. I don't care. Maybe we'll get to meet the neighbors that way.

I was hoping to see the full moon but that's not going to happen either.

Sometimes it feels like you're being betrayed by the ones you love and sometimes it seems like the only thing you can do is fight for your loved ones. This year, it's a two-fer. I guess that's all we can expect sometimes.

I have been jumping through hoops trying to take care of everybody and sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I don't know what to do. I guess I better take care of myself so I can be stronger and have a clear mind so I can take care of everybody else. 

I guess you figured out I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself this holiday season. I really shouldn't be because I've been through a lot worse in the past few years and I'm sure I can make it through this in the same way ... one step at a time and focusing on the future, whatever that may bring.

I really, really, really hate feeling sorry for myself. It's not one bit productive. I decided to take a cup of Christmas cheer and get through the holidays. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so maudlin. I don't like feeling vulnerable and I don't like feeling weak. I really, really shouldn't have had a cup of kindness this evening. Maybe I wouldn't be spilling my guts on the internet if I hadn't.

I only want to be happy and I only want my family to be happy. Is that too much to ask, I ask you? Seriously, I only want us all to be together and happy this holiday season. I'd settle for us all being happy. 

When you're feeling down face it with a frown. No, no! That's not it. 

Turn that frown upside down and face it with a grin. 

Yeah, yeah. That's it.


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